Friday, June 18, 2010

We're married, next stop... kids.

So we were married. The pregnancy had made both of realize we wanted kids now rather than later, so we started trying to conceive (TTC). We had no idea just how long this journey would be. I mean, when people start trying, they usually get pregnant pretty quickly, right?

Well, one problem... since we had lost the babies, my period hadn't come back. So I made an OB appointment. No problem, we have pills for that! Great, now we could get to town!

And so it went, pills... period... getting down... nothing. Doctor says sometimes that happens after a loss, sometimes it takes your body a few cycles to get back to normal. No problem... pills... period... getting down... nothing. Again. So we do a couple tests - turns out I'm not ovulating. No problem, we have pills for that! Great, now we could get to town!

And so it went, pills... period... getting down... period... pills... period... getting down... period... It went on like this for several months. The doctor did lots more tests. Maybe I had a hormone imbalance... no. Maybe my tubes were blocked... no. Maybe my husband had low sperm count... no. Maybe I had "hostile mucous"... no. (By the way, I'd like to thank that OB for allowing us back to the microscope to see the "swimmers" - I think that was probably the most awesome thing I have ever seen in my life!) Every test for fertility that could be done at that time was done, except exploratory surgery - I said no to that one. If they hadn't found anything yet, I surely didn't want them to open me up and go messing around, no way. We were diagnosed with unexplained infertility.

After about two years of trying, we decided that since there was nothing wrong with me, and nothing wrong with him, we would just stop trying and let fate take its course.

And so, we stopped trying... As much as I would like to say that we are the couple, you know, that couple who tried for years to have a baby, then stopped trying, and found out they were pregnant... no, we are not that couple.

We lost our first babies in 1999, we tried for 2 years, and stopped trying in 2001. Years went by, in 2004 we moved to my husbands home state, got ourselves jobs there and bought a house. I loved that no one here asked me when I was going to make my mom a grandma. I loved that no one here knew our journey and how badly we wanted kids. I loved that no one here asked me when I was going to have a baby. It was easy... when someone asked if I had kids, I said no, and as much as it hurt my heart, I always followed it by "we don't really want kids". And that was that. No more questions. This was nice. It was so much easier, and even though I still didn't have children, I started becoming happy.

Saturday, June 12, 2010

When it started...

A note on how it all began.

Our journey started in 1999. We had been together for a little over a year, we were planning our wedding for that summer, and then I found out I was pregnant. I was happy, but more concerned about how I was going to fit into my wedding dress while I was 4 months pregnant! Would I be showing at 4 months? I had no idea, I had never been pregnant before. I went to my doctor's appointments and did everything I was supposed to do. I was just going to have to find a way to fit into that dress.

Then I found out it was twins. There's no way my dress will fit now. That's what I thought. I was 2 months pregnant with twins, and I was getting married in 2 months, my dress will never fit.

I had no idea just how well my dress would fit. I wish it hadn't.

Within days of finding out I was having twins, I saw blood. A lot of blood. And I had pain. A lot of pain. My OB had me go to the ER where they did an ultrasound and my heart broke when we learned we had lost one of our babies. We were told we would likely lose the other baby as well. But, I stopped bleeding. I was put on bed rest. The second baby was doing wonderful - strong heartbeat, but something was still wrong. Three weeks later I woke up to that horrible pain. And blood. A lot of blood. Again my OB had me go to the ER where they did an ultrasound. The baby was there, the heart was beating... a strong 153 bpm. What a fighter. Fifteen minutes later, as the OB on call was about to examine me to find out exactly where all the blood was coming from, my baby was born. So perfect, so tiny. A baby that fit in the palm of my hand.

I was no longer pregnant. My wedding dress fit perfectly.